posted by Jonathan @ 9:10 PM
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
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President Bush summarizes the Iraq war on The Daily Show
Time to go buy some stock in Starkist
Does Bush has a Jimmy Carter problem?
Reuters with a subtle message to Dick Cheney
Scrubs Brokeback Mountain parody
Academy Awards commentary
Natalie Portman shows her wild side
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Last night on The Daily Show, they ran a clip that sums up President Bush and the Iraq war better than any clip I have seen before. And best of all, it's all said by George W. Bush himself.
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Time to go buy some stock in Starkist
I'll start off with a quote from Health and Human Services Secretary Mike Leavitt regarding how you should prepare when the bird flu comes a knockin':
Last time it was the duct tape. This time, the government is asking us to store tuna fish under our beds in preparation of the inevitable avian flu pandemic. While I do have plenty of room under my bed, I don't think I will be doing this anytime soon. And if I did, I really don't think tuna fish and powdered milk would make a very good meal. I'll just make sure I have plenty of beer and I'll be set.
This reminds me of a story from my freshman year of college. Most of us on our floor kept our doors open if we were just down the hall, so we could easily go in and out of each other's rooms. An open room was an invitation to pull a prank on someone. Looking back, leaving my door open wasn't the wisest thing to do, but fortunately I never had anything really bad done to me & I never had anything stolen.
We had various people who would partake in such nefarious activities:
There were your basic, run-of-the-mill kleptomaniacs.
There were people who were just desperate to use the Internet, so they'd just sit down at your computer and download horrible music like Creed.
There was the guy who could find gay porn amazingly quickly and set it as your computer wallpaper.
And then there was the group of us who decided that it would be good for a laugh to open a can of tuna fish and hide it under the couch in someone's room. And under that couch sat that open can of tuna fish. For about a week. They mentioned a strange smell at one point, but given the state of the typical male freshman college students' room, they couldn't quite figure it out until they did a thorough search.
Ah, the memories...
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"When you go to the store and buy three cans of tuna fish, buy a fourth and put it under the bed. When you go to the store to buy some milk, pick up a box of powdered milk, put it under the bed."
Last time it was the duct tape. This time, the government is asking us to store tuna fish under our beds in preparation of the inevitable avian flu pandemic. While I do have plenty of room under my bed, I don't think I will be doing this anytime soon. And if I did, I really don't think tuna fish and powdered milk would make a very good meal. I'll just make sure I have plenty of beer and I'll be set.
This reminds me of a story from my freshman year of college. Most of us on our floor kept our doors open if we were just down the hall, so we could easily go in and out of each other's rooms. An open room was an invitation to pull a prank on someone. Looking back, leaving my door open wasn't the wisest thing to do, but fortunately I never had anything really bad done to me & I never had anything stolen.
We had various people who would partake in such nefarious activities:
There were your basic, run-of-the-mill kleptomaniacs.
There were people who were just desperate to use the Internet, so they'd just sit down at your computer and download horrible music like Creed.
There was the guy who could find gay porn amazingly quickly and set it as your computer wallpaper.
And then there was the group of us who decided that it would be good for a laugh to open a can of tuna fish and hide it under the couch in someone's room. And under that couch sat that open can of tuna fish. For about a week. They mentioned a strange smell at one point, but given the state of the typical male freshman college students' room, they couldn't quite figure it out until they did a thorough search.
Ah, the memories...
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posted by Jonathan @ 7:45 PM
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
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Does Bush has a Jimmy Carter problem?
I was on CNN.com and I saw this little mistake. Look at the bottom right corner. Okay, so it's just a grammatical error, and I know we all make them, but I like seeing a major news outlet looking like they hire morons to write for them. It looks like "No Child Left Behind" is working well.
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posted by Jonathan @ 7:33 PM
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Reuters with a subtle message to Dick Cheney
Take a look at the picture below. I think Larry Downing of Reuters might be trying to tell something to Vice President Dick Cheney.
That's also a pretty sexy picture there, Dick.
Rawr.
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That's also a pretty sexy picture there, Dick.
Rawr.
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posted by Jonathan @ 6:34 PM
Friday, March 10, 2006
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Scrubs Brokeback Mountain parody
I was looking at my web stats earlier, and for the past couple of days I have been getting tons of hits for searches like "scrubs brokeback mountain". Since I have posted about each lately (Scrubs Drinking Game), I know that's why I was getting these hits. I looked into it a little bit more to see what people were actually looking for and I found this Brokeback Mountain parody, Scrubs-style.
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posted by Jonathan @ 9:29 PM
Monday, March 06, 2006
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Academy Awards commentary
5:02pm - I'm a bit late with starting this so, I'll just jump right in. Keira Knightley is being interviewed by Billy Bush. I hope she kills him. That would be so hot. Billy Bush epitomizes everything that is wrong with this country. One, the Bush Family, and two, people who manage to be famous and on television despite having no discernible talent or skills.
5:05pm - That guy who used to be on MTV interviews Will Ferrell. He manages to make Will Ferrell look boring. Well done.
5:11pm - It's nice to see that Paul Giamatti saw this as an occasion worth shaving for. Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton seem to be having a competition to see who can have the tallest hair. Helena seems to be winning at the moment.
5:26pm - Billy Bush is sadly still alive.
5:39pm - There's not much to write right now. It's pretty much the standard formula of "Star walks up to interviewer, interviewer fellates & questions star, star looks slightly uncomfortable due to the stupidity of the questions being asked, interviewer fellates star some more, star walks away."
6:01pm - The real show is finally starting. I hope Jon Stewart does well as host.
6:05pm - Very good opening bit, showing how Jon Stewart was the last choice to host the Oscars, right after the Moviefone guy.
6:08pm - Jack Nicholson is sitting next to Keira Knightley. Please, dear Lord, tell me that Keira Knightley is NOT Jack Nicholson's date for the Oscars. I might have to kill myself.
6:13pm - So far this opening monologue has been fantastic, but that could just be because I'm a huge Jon Stewart fan. Right now they are doing a great montage of gay moments from old cowboy movies.
6:20pm - Nicole Kidman presents the award for best supporting actor. It goes to George Clooney for Syriana.
6:29pm - Ben Stiller presents the award for best visual effects dressed in a green unitard. A pretty good bit. The award goes to King Kong. An excellent choice. Weta rules all. I guess the voters didn't love the Chronic, what! Cles of Narnia.
6:31pm - Best Animated Feature, presented by Reese Witherspoon. Somehow I haven't seen any of these movies. Wallace & Gromit wins.
6:35pm - And the next award is for Best Visual Effects and it goes to Dolly Parton's breasts. Okay, in reality, she's performing a song from Transamerica.
6:40pm - Apparently, Diet Coke gives you sexual confidence.
6:44pm - Luke and Owen Wilson present the award for Best Live Action Short. It goes to Six Shooter. Whatever that is. This is where they start to present the awards for things nobody's seen. What's the deal with them playing music as soon as people start their speeches? It just sounds wrong.
6:47pm - Best Animated Short Film: The Moon & the Sun: An Imagined Conversation.
6:50pm - Jennifer Aniston presents the award for Best Costume Design. Sadly, either Jennifer Aniston's costume was not designed well as it is not easy to tell how cold the Kodak Theater is, as is usually the norm with things she wears. The award goes to Memoirs of a Geisha.
6:54pm - Supposedly after this commercial break Will Farrell and Steve Carell will be taking the stage for something. And that spelling of "Ferrell" is mine not theirs, the actually had that on the digital banner on the screen. Ouch.
6:57pm - They are presenting the award for Best Makeup. Both Will Ferrell and Steve Carell have horrible makeup on. The Chronicles of Narnia wins. I stand corrected.
7:06pm - Morgan Freeman presents the award for Best Supporting Actress. Tough choices here. I liked Frances McDormand in North Country (one of the only things I liked in an otherwise disappointing movie) and I really liked Rachel Weisz in The Constant Gardener. Rachel Weisz wins.
7:13pm - I missed the name of whoever this woman is who is on stage right now, but wow... I feel really bad for her. She's having problems reading and speaking.
7:16pm - A Daily Show -style segment!!! It's a campaign ad for Keira Knightley for best actress. And one for Reese Witherspoon. And one against Dame Judi Dench. That was fantastic. I still can't figure out who Keira Knightley's date is. All I know is that it isn't me, which is unfortunate.
7:20pm - Terrence Howard presents the award for Best Documentary Short. It goes to some movie with a really long name.
7:22pm - Charlize Theron's dress appears to have a pillow sewn to her left shoulder. It's almost as big as her head. She presents the award for Best Documentary Feature to March of the Penguins, as it should have. The recipients are holding penguin dolls and making penguin noises. That's awesome.
7:32pm - Sandra Bullock & Keanu Reeves are presenting the award for Best Art Direction. They were introduced to the theme from Speed. Again, that's awesome. Memoirs of a Geisha wins. Booo... I was hoping for King Kong again.
7:36pm - Samuel L. Jackson! Snakes on a Plane, motherfuckers! He introduces a video montage. I was hoping he might be introducing "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp". For that song, I am hoping now for some classical British actor to introduce it now that Samuel L. is done.
7:46pm - I think I just heard a gunshot outside. That doesn't have anything to do with the Academy Awards, I just thought you should know.
7:49pm - The award for Best Original Score goes to Brokeback Mountain. I had a feeling that this would win. Out of all the nominees, this music stood out the most and is already widely known (as evidenced by all of the spoof Brokeback Mountain trailers out there).
8:00pm - Best Sound Mixing - King Kong. Good choice. Though I thought Walk the Line might have a chance being a musical movie and all.
8:06pm - Lily Tomlin & Meryl Streep are introducing a tribute to Robert Altman. Considering how many people seem illiterate when they are reading an introduction (I'm looking at you, Jessica Alba), they were fantastic.
8:18pm - "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" not introduced by Sir Ian McKellen or Dame Judi Dench. Damn. I wonder how many old people & conservatives are throwing fits right now. And it wins the award! Is that our first "Thank you, Jesus!" of the night? Yes, thank you, Jesus, for inspiring us to write a song titled "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp". You truly are the ultimate pimp, Jesus. I believe this was the first Academy Award winner to have a skull tattooed on his or her neck since
8:26pm - Another Daily Show -style clip. This time they did one of the nominees for Best Sound Editing. King Kong wins yet again. I'm really glad I saw it the other day.
8:30pm - DEAD ACTOR MONTAGE - Ah, the time of year when I always go, "Oh shit, so and so died?" Here we go. ... And actually, I knew about all of the major people. I guess I kept up with the news too well this year.
8:37pm - Will Smith presents the award for Best Foreign Language film. It goes to South Africa for Tsotsi.
8:41pm - Jon Stewart - "For those of you keeping score at home, Martin Scorsese zero Oscars, Three 6 Mafia one". Ouch.
8:43pm - Best Film Editing goes to Cwash... err Crash.
8:46pm - We're really moving along now. Hilary Swank presents the award for Best Actor. It goes to Philip Seymour Hoffman for Capote. I haven't seen it yet, but I have heard good things about his performance.
8:55pm - It's John Travolta's turn to present. The award for Best Cinematography goes to Memoirs of a Geisha, which seems to be winning a ton of awards tonight.
9:00pm - Jaime Foxx presents the award for Best Actress. Reese Witherspoon wins for Walk the Line. A good choice. I would have liked to have seen Keira Knightley win because she's Keira Knightley, but that's fine.
9:07pm - Best Adapted Screenplay time, presented by Dustin Hoffman, who takes about 3 years to walk to the microphone. Now he's giggling like he's stoned. The Oscar goes to Brokeback Mountain.
9:12pm - Uma Thurman presents Best Original Screenplay, which goes to Crash. There wasn't much of a doubt about that. The Brokeback Mountain vs. Crash showdown for Best Picture is now confirmed.
9:19pm - Time for Best Director, presented by Tom Hanks. Tough category. Good films, good directors. Ang Lee wins for Brokeback Mountain.
9:24pm - Jack Nicholson has left Keira Knightley to present the award for Best Picture. I guess this will be over soon. I love how Jack Nicholson can manage to make the names of the nominated films sound creepy. And the Oscar goes to... CRASH! Wow, I really thought Brokeback Mountain was going to win for sure once Ang Lee won. Tough race this year, but Crash was a good film. Perhaps the Academy is not quite ready to give the Best Picture award to a gay cowboy movie. I hope that was not the case, and they selected Crash on its own merit.
9:26pm - Wow... I thought I was done commenting, but I guess not. They just played loud music over the end of the acceptance speech for Best Picture. That's really fucking rude. I know they need to manage their time, but none of the other awards got played off like that the whole night. It's the last award, and it's the biggest one, so why the hell shouldn't they get a few seconds more?
Summary: I thought that Jon Stewart did a great job. He kept the jokes going well throughout. Stay tuned for my commentary next year. I believe "Snakes on a Plane" is the early favorite to win big.
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5:05pm - That guy who used to be on MTV interviews Will Ferrell. He manages to make Will Ferrell look boring. Well done.
5:11pm - It's nice to see that Paul Giamatti saw this as an occasion worth shaving for. Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton seem to be having a competition to see who can have the tallest hair. Helena seems to be winning at the moment.
5:26pm - Billy Bush is sadly still alive.
5:39pm - There's not much to write right now. It's pretty much the standard formula of "Star walks up to interviewer, interviewer fellates & questions star, star looks slightly uncomfortable due to the stupidity of the questions being asked, interviewer fellates star some more, star walks away."
6:01pm - The real show is finally starting. I hope Jon Stewart does well as host.
6:05pm - Very good opening bit, showing how Jon Stewart was the last choice to host the Oscars, right after the Moviefone guy.
6:08pm - Jack Nicholson is sitting next to Keira Knightley. Please, dear Lord, tell me that Keira Knightley is NOT Jack Nicholson's date for the Oscars. I might have to kill myself.
6:13pm - So far this opening monologue has been fantastic, but that could just be because I'm a huge Jon Stewart fan. Right now they are doing a great montage of gay moments from old cowboy movies.
6:20pm - Nicole Kidman presents the award for best supporting actor. It goes to George Clooney for Syriana.
6:29pm - Ben Stiller presents the award for best visual effects dressed in a green unitard. A pretty good bit. The award goes to King Kong. An excellent choice. Weta rules all. I guess the voters didn't love the Chronic, what! Cles of Narnia.
6:31pm - Best Animated Feature, presented by Reese Witherspoon. Somehow I haven't seen any of these movies. Wallace & Gromit wins.
6:35pm - And the next award is for Best Visual Effects and it goes to Dolly Parton's breasts. Okay, in reality, she's performing a song from Transamerica.
6:40pm - Apparently, Diet Coke gives you sexual confidence.
6:44pm - Luke and Owen Wilson present the award for Best Live Action Short. It goes to Six Shooter. Whatever that is. This is where they start to present the awards for things nobody's seen. What's the deal with them playing music as soon as people start their speeches? It just sounds wrong.
6:47pm - Best Animated Short Film: The Moon & the Sun: An Imagined Conversation.
6:50pm - Jennifer Aniston presents the award for Best Costume Design. Sadly, either Jennifer Aniston's costume was not designed well as it is not easy to tell how cold the Kodak Theater is, as is usually the norm with things she wears. The award goes to Memoirs of a Geisha.
6:54pm - Supposedly after this commercial break Will Farrell and Steve Carell will be taking the stage for something. And that spelling of "Ferrell" is mine not theirs, the actually had that on the digital banner on the screen. Ouch.
6:57pm - They are presenting the award for Best Makeup. Both Will Ferrell and Steve Carell have horrible makeup on. The Chronicles of Narnia wins. I stand corrected.
7:06pm - Morgan Freeman presents the award for Best Supporting Actress. Tough choices here. I liked Frances McDormand in North Country (one of the only things I liked in an otherwise disappointing movie) and I really liked Rachel Weisz in The Constant Gardener. Rachel Weisz wins.
7:13pm - I missed the name of whoever this woman is who is on stage right now, but wow... I feel really bad for her. She's having problems reading and speaking.
7:16pm - A Daily Show -style segment!!! It's a campaign ad for Keira Knightley for best actress. And one for Reese Witherspoon. And one against Dame Judi Dench. That was fantastic. I still can't figure out who Keira Knightley's date is. All I know is that it isn't me, which is unfortunate.
7:20pm - Terrence Howard presents the award for Best Documentary Short. It goes to some movie with a really long name.
7:22pm - Charlize Theron's dress appears to have a pillow sewn to her left shoulder. It's almost as big as her head. She presents the award for Best Documentary Feature to March of the Penguins, as it should have. The recipients are holding penguin dolls and making penguin noises. That's awesome.
7:32pm - Sandra Bullock & Keanu Reeves are presenting the award for Best Art Direction. They were introduced to the theme from Speed. Again, that's awesome. Memoirs of a Geisha wins. Booo... I was hoping for King Kong again.
7:36pm - Samuel L. Jackson! Snakes on a Plane, motherfuckers! He introduces a video montage. I was hoping he might be introducing "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp". For that song, I am hoping now for some classical British actor to introduce it now that Samuel L. is done.
7:46pm - I think I just heard a gunshot outside. That doesn't have anything to do with the Academy Awards, I just thought you should know.
7:49pm - The award for Best Original Score goes to Brokeback Mountain. I had a feeling that this would win. Out of all the nominees, this music stood out the most and is already widely known (as evidenced by all of the spoof Brokeback Mountain trailers out there).
8:00pm - Best Sound Mixing - King Kong. Good choice. Though I thought Walk the Line might have a chance being a musical movie and all.
8:06pm - Lily Tomlin & Meryl Streep are introducing a tribute to Robert Altman. Considering how many people seem illiterate when they are reading an introduction (I'm looking at you, Jessica Alba), they were fantastic.
8:18pm - "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" not introduced by Sir Ian McKellen or Dame Judi Dench. Damn. I wonder how many old people & conservatives are throwing fits right now. And it wins the award! Is that our first "Thank you, Jesus!" of the night? Yes, thank you, Jesus, for inspiring us to write a song titled "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp". You truly are the ultimate pimp, Jesus. I believe this was the first Academy Award winner to have a skull tattooed on his or her neck since
8:26pm - Another Daily Show -style clip. This time they did one of the nominees for Best Sound Editing. King Kong wins yet again. I'm really glad I saw it the other day.
8:30pm - DEAD ACTOR MONTAGE - Ah, the time of year when I always go, "Oh shit, so and so died?" Here we go. ... And actually, I knew about all of the major people. I guess I kept up with the news too well this year.
8:37pm - Will Smith presents the award for Best Foreign Language film. It goes to South Africa for Tsotsi.
8:41pm - Jon Stewart - "For those of you keeping score at home, Martin Scorsese zero Oscars, Three 6 Mafia one". Ouch.
8:43pm - Best Film Editing goes to Cwash... err Crash.
8:46pm - We're really moving along now. Hilary Swank presents the award for Best Actor. It goes to Philip Seymour Hoffman for Capote. I haven't seen it yet, but I have heard good things about his performance.
8:55pm - It's John Travolta's turn to present. The award for Best Cinematography goes to Memoirs of a Geisha, which seems to be winning a ton of awards tonight.
9:00pm - Jaime Foxx presents the award for Best Actress. Reese Witherspoon wins for Walk the Line. A good choice. I would have liked to have seen Keira Knightley win because she's Keira Knightley, but that's fine.
9:07pm - Best Adapted Screenplay time, presented by Dustin Hoffman, who takes about 3 years to walk to the microphone. Now he's giggling like he's stoned. The Oscar goes to Brokeback Mountain.
9:12pm - Uma Thurman presents Best Original Screenplay, which goes to Crash. There wasn't much of a doubt about that. The Brokeback Mountain vs. Crash showdown for Best Picture is now confirmed.
9:19pm - Time for Best Director, presented by Tom Hanks. Tough category. Good films, good directors. Ang Lee wins for Brokeback Mountain.
9:24pm - Jack Nicholson has left Keira Knightley to present the award for Best Picture. I guess this will be over soon. I love how Jack Nicholson can manage to make the names of the nominated films sound creepy. And the Oscar goes to... CRASH! Wow, I really thought Brokeback Mountain was going to win for sure once Ang Lee won. Tough race this year, but Crash was a good film. Perhaps the Academy is not quite ready to give the Best Picture award to a gay cowboy movie. I hope that was not the case, and they selected Crash on its own merit.
9:26pm - Wow... I thought I was done commenting, but I guess not. They just played loud music over the end of the acceptance speech for Best Picture. That's really fucking rude. I know they need to manage their time, but none of the other awards got played off like that the whole night. It's the last award, and it's the biggest one, so why the hell shouldn't they get a few seconds more?
Summary: I thought that Jon Stewart did a great job. He kept the jokes going well throughout. Stay tuned for my commentary next year. I believe "Snakes on a Plane" is the early favorite to win big.
posted by Jonathan @ 9:30 PM
Sunday, March 05, 2006
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Natalie Portman shows her wild side
On last night's Saturday Night Live, they ran a SNL digital short where Natalie Portman showed her wild side.
It is probably the best use of any creative medium in the history of mankind.
Right now I am writing a live commentary on the Academy Awards, which I will post as soon as they are finished.
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It is probably the best use of any creative medium in the history of mankind.
Right now I am writing a live commentary on the Academy Awards, which I will post as soon as they are finished.
posted by Jonathan @ 5:18 PM
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