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The 2006 MTV Video Music Awards

So in continuing a tradition that I started several years ago, I am doing a running
commentary of the MTV Video Music Awards 2006.

Disclaimer: I have seen very, very few music videos this year. In fact, 99% of my music
video viewing has come through Youtube. As a result, I am rooting very heavily for Lordi -
Hard Rock Hallelujah to win several awards.

What? They weren't nominated? Fuck that.

Anyway, there is only one decent musical performance all night (The Raconteurs), so I'll
mostly just make fun of everything I can.

I am going to start with the pre-show.

Feel free to share it with your friends.

6:32pm - Is this Fergie? I can't tell because it doesn't look like she has wet herself.

6:38pm - Holy shit, Kurt Loder is still alive. It's kind of nice that there is at least one

familiar face that is still on MTV.

6:39pm - Fall Out Boy has a monkey. There's not much more to say about that.

6:45pm - We have a dilemma. I have a good variety of alcohol, but no ice, and my only mixers are Sprite (which doesn't really work with the alcohol I have), milk, apple juice, and Glaceau Vitamin Water. Stay tuned.

6:48pm - MTV has brought a bunch of My Chemical Romance fans to the top of Rockefeller Center. I find it's always a good idea to bring depressed emo kids to high rooftops.

6:49pm - Jared Leto is a twat.

6:56pm - Who the hell is this??? She can't sing for shit. I sense that is going to be a common theme tonight. Her name is apparently Susan Cagle.

6:57pm - I have decided to go with beer for now. Peroni Nastro Azzurro, in case you were wondering.

7:01pm - I find it amazing that someone can spend what I make in a year (or quite possibly more) on a giant dollar sign made out of gold, white and green diamonds with a chain that could be used to anchor a cruise liner.

7:02pm - Tech awards. Gnarls Barkley win a couple, as does James Blunt, who I hope is killed by the end of the night, as do the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Okay, so 2 of the 3 songs & videos are good.

7:10pm - Justin Timberlake is such a giant pussy that even when he is on the red carpet, he has 2 giant security guards behind him.

7:13pm - The Raconteurs! They are apparently the house band for the VMAs. They don't know what it means either. The interview actually starts with Brendan Benson being interviewed! It's so nice to not hear them being referred to as "Jack White's Band".

7:23pm - This has been declared the biggest night of pop culture of the year. See, and you thought this was a waste of time?

7:24pm - Some VJ rambles on about how GM has provided SUVs that burn ethanol for the musicians to arrive in, and how everything is much cleaner as a result. As she says this, one of the All-American Rejects spits as he gets out of one.

7:34pm - My Chemical Romance are shite. The lead singer looks like a pedophile. Ooh, you look so scary with your dark eye makeup, blonde hair, and boyish looks.

7:48pm - Christina Aguilera would actually look good, were it not for the 8 inch thick layer of makeup that she is wearing. I hate makeup. A little is fine, but far to many women go overboard and end up looking like Krusty.

8:00pm - Finally, the real show begins. And already, I am almost out of beer. By the end of this, I will be reduced to drinking mouthwash.

8:02pm - For the love of Allah, can someone please tell Justin Timberlake that he is not Michael Jackson?

8:05pm - Wait a second, one of the guys who I thought was his security guard now appears to be singing. Was he a guy pretending to be a security guard, or is he a security guard who sings? The world may never know.

8:07pm - Okay, the Killers are performing too at some point, so that makes 2 decent performers.

8:09pm - Jack Fucking Black is in the house, bitch!

8:12pm - Err. We have our first and what I can only assume is the last Montel Williams sighting of the night.

8:12pm - The Raconteurs make their first performance, featuring Lou Reed.

8:15pm - First Award: Best Male Video. Nominees - Kanye. Nick Lachey (wtf?). James Blunt (please kill me now). TI (graphing calculators make music now? who knew?), Busta with a fuckload of people. And James Blunt wins. I need more beer. And a shotgun.

8:18pm - James Blunt is a fucking... you know what, there is no word that can even describe it. Such a word has not yet been coined. Douchebag doesn't even begin to come close.

8:24pm - Best Hip-Hop Video. The category I know least about. And I know very little about most of this. I'm not even going to try to list the nominees. But I bet one of them is featuring Lil' Jon. Surprisingly, not. And the Black Eyed Peas win over Kanye, who has now been shut out in the first 2 awards.

8:30pm - Shakira performs with Wyclef. I will say now that I loved Wyclef's first solo album, as well as the Fugees. And Shakira is hot.

8:41pm - LL Cool J and 50 Cent are apparently "The Kings of Queens". I am from Queens too. I just thought I would share that.

8:43pm - Best Female Video. By the way, these categories are also found at the Porno Video Awards. Nelly Furtado. Christina Aguilera. Shakira. Kelly Clarkson. Madonna. Come on, Shakira! Which, incidentally, is also a nominee at the Porno Video Awards. Kelly Clarkson wins.

8:51pm - They are calling OK GO to the stage, so I will OK GO TO THE BATHROOM.

8:57pm - MTV, please play more Raconteurs. Fuck everything else, just broadcast them playing for a couple of hours. That would be much better than this shit.

8:58pm - Jessica Simpson comes out to present something. Wow, that dress is short. I can see her uterus. I take that back though. Her voice is pretty deep right now. I can see her prostate.

9:00pm - Best Dance Video. Nobody cares. We want more Raconteurs. I would never dance to any of these songs. I want some good indie rock dance. Fuckers. I am becoming belligerent. Pussycat Dolls with Snoop Dogg get the award. Sadly, Snoop is not there. No wait, he is, buy they decided to have the Pussycat Dolls go up and accept the award, even though they are far less entertaining. And yes, I would rather see Snoop Dogg than some boring girls in skanky outfits.

9:03pm - Christ, this only 1/3 over. I am almost out of beer. Time to come up with Plan B.

9:05pm - OK GO are OK GOING ON TREADMILLS. It's kind of cool. Daresay I like it.

9:12pm - Rum and Sprite are not really good mixed together.

9:15pm - Jack Black has been really boring so far, though he did redeem himself a bit by calling Paris Hilton an independent film star when he introduced her.

9:16pm - I reject your All-American Rejects and substitute my own. I will switch over to see how the ASU game is going. Ugh, 14-14 in the 3rd quarter against a Division 1-AA team. WHY? I need more rum and Sprite.

9:20pm - Best Pop Video. Presented by Nick Lachey and a decaying corpse. Pink wins. Pink is drunk.

9:22pm - Seriously, why am I drinking rum and Sprite? Someone please stop me. It's not even real Sprite. It's Big K Diet Lemon Lime. It tastes like burning.

9:26pm - Interception! Touchdown ASU!!!!! 21-14 Devils!

9:29pm - Back to the VMAs. A bit of the Raconteurs. You know, I bet it would have been pretty good to be at the VMAs this year since you would have gotten to hear a ton of the Raconteurs during the commercial breaks.

9:30pm - And we are not denied Snoop Dogg!! He presents the award for Best Rap Video. I do not understand what he is saying, but I dig. He is drinking something, I assume it is gin and juice. I will stick with my rum and discount diet lemon lime drink. Even though it is causing me to lose my eyesight. I don't even know who wins. Someone is riding dirty? Isn't he dead?

9:39pm - The VMAs have gotten even more boring. ASU finally woke up, and are now up 28-14.

9:50pm - There is rap. And flashing lights. And chanting. It's all running together at this point.

9:51pm - Jared Leto and Amy Lee from Evanesence come out to present. Jared Leto is wearing more makeup. Haha, witty banter. They present for Best Group Video. The Gnarles Barkley video is awesome, I hope it wins something. And of course, the All-American Rejects win. Grr... time for another rum and discount lemon lime drink.

9:56pm - We are rewarded with more Raconteurs. Steady as she goes.

10:02pm - There is an award for ringtone of the year???? WHAT THE FUCK??? I'm not even going to dignify the winner with a mention here, since the fact that this award even exists is a sign of the decline of Western Civilization.

10:05pm - Less than an hour to go. Come on, you can survive this. Jack Black has died, since he hasn't been on stage in ages. I don't blame him. Panic! at! the! disco! are! on! the! stage! Sadly, nobody hits the lead singer in the face with a bottle. By the way, ASU won 35-14. Not the most impressive result, but at least they won.

10:10pm - 94-year-old Fergie introduces the little girl from Little Miss Sunshine. Award - Best New Artist in a Video - these nominees suck. I SWEAR TO GOD IF JAMES BLUNT WINS I WILL KILL MYSELF. He does not win. I will go on living.

10:22pm - Another boring award. Someone boring won.

10:24pm - Kanye West. He presents the Video Vanguard Award to uh. Someone. But they play California Love so I am transported to 1995. California knows how to party! As soon as I step on the scene I'm hearing hoochies screaming.

10:40pm - Wait. Wait. I'm not quite sure, but I think the ad I just saw actually advocated doing drugs.

10:47pm - Best Rock Video. Presented by Pink for some reason. AFI wins. Zzzzzzz....

10:57pm - More Raconteurs. It's the only good thing at this point. I hate this, I really do.

10:59pm - Why won't the Black Eyed Peas go away? This is the best Hip Hop Fusion Video? Didn't we already do hip hop? Why do they get a 2nd video? Wait, more James Blunt??? I am so fucking confused. And I want to die.

11:05pm - I guess I should mention the cast of Jackass at some point. I'm actually looking forward to the 2nd movie. They present the viewers choice award. The award goes to Fall Out Boy. How did it not go to Shakira? HER HIPS DON'T LIE!

11:06pm - One of the guys from ZZ Top is there apparently. Go ZZ Top guy!

11:07pm - Queen Latifah is talking about population control and she introduces Al Gore. Way to be relevant about 6 years too late, Al. He talks about glaciers. I am sure he is making very good points but MTV is doing a craptastic job of demonstrating what he is saying so nobody gives a shit.

11:12pm - Why isn't this over? I want to go to bed.

11:16pm - INTERNET KILLED THE VIDEO STAR!! Or so the Raconteurs sing.

11:17pm - Wait, we might be at the end. Jennifer Lopez presents Video of the Year! Wait, there is going to be MTV 3 for Latinos? Can we please have an MTV that shows music for everyone first? The nominees for the Video of the Year are the same fucking videos that have been nominated in every other category so far. The Video of the Year goes to Panic! At! The! Disco! Oh! My! God! They! Won! The! Award! And I! Cannot! S!T!O!P! U!S!I!N!G! E!X!C!L!A!M!A!T!I!O!N! P!O!I!N!T!S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111oneoneoneone

11:21pm - Axl Rose??? The hell??? Wow, I remember when Jimmy Fallon introduced Guns N' Roses a few years ago at the VMAs. This is weird. He introduces the Killers. I don't know why.

11:25pm - Even though Brandon Flowers looks like Freddie Mercury, I now really like the Killers' new single. I hadn't been too impressed the first time I heard it, but I'm much more into it now.

11:27pm - Why does MTV even put a time limit on the show? They never come close. Jack Black begins to wrap up. And it appears to be over. Wow. What. A. Show. I am done.

posted by Jonathan @ 11:39 PM Thursday, August 31, 2006  
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Kyra Phillips goes to the bathroom

So CNN's Kyra Phillips accidentally had her microphone on while she visited the restroom during President Bush's speech about how he now cares about Hurricane Katrina even though a year ago he didn't give a shit about it and played guitar while people drowned, and her restroom conversation was broadcast live on CNN.

Sadly, the conversation was pretty boring. Mostly stuff about how there are a few good men out there, blah blah blah. The best part of the incident occured when she probably made this next Thanksgiving an interesting one by slamming her sister-in-law for the way she apparently treats her brother.

When I heard about this incident, I was hoping the result of the mic being left on would be far more interesting. It would have been hilarious if CNN had broadcast Kyra Phillips taking a loud, disgusting dump.

posted by Jonathan @ 10:36 PM Wednesday, August 30, 2006  
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Yale, Shmale

A small university in Canada is running a pretty clever ad campaign. The campaign shows a picture of George W. Bush with the caption "Yale Shmale". It then says "Graduating from an Ivy League university doesn't necessarily mean you're smart".

I think it's a nice little ad for a university that nobody would have heard of otherwise. And the point it makes just happens to be dead on right at the same time :)

Of course, some people who have no sense of humor whatsoever are criticizing the ad campaign, since Dubya is infallible and must be worshipped at all times.

To view the ad, you can either go to the actual site at Yaleshmale.com or the Yahoo! Photos page where I found out about it here.

posted by Jonathan @ 10:40 PM Monday, August 28, 2006  
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The President likes to fart

The leader of the free world likes a good far joke and likes to fart in front of new aides.

Really, there's not much more to say about this, so I will let the story speak for itself.

He loves to cuss, gets a jolly when a mountain biker wipes out trying to keep up with him, and now we're learning that the first frat boy loves flatulence jokes. A top insider let that slip when explaining why President Bush is paranoid around women, always worried about his behavior. But he's still a funny, earthy guy who, for example, can't get enough of fart jokes. He's also known to cut a few for laughs, especially when greeting new young aides

*insert Jon Stewart's George W Bush laugh here*

posted by Jonathan @ 9:30 PM Wednesday, August 23, 2006  
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Update on yesterday's SNAKES IN A MOTHERFUCKING THEATER story

It turns out that the "Snakes in a theater" story that I posted about yesterday wasn't true. They are calling it a hoax, but it really sounds like more of a misunderstanding.

There indeed was a snake in the building, but apparently it was just a snake that slithered its way into the lobby. That area is still fairly undeveloped so it's not all that surprising.

So uh... SNAKES HARMLESSLY IN A MOTHERFUCKING LOBBY should have been the headline. Not quite as catchy.

posted by Jonathan @ 9:10 PM  
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Snakes in a motherfucking theater

Once again, I am proud to live in Arizona.

Some people in North Phoenix weren't content to just watch Snakes on a Plane like the rest of us.

No, they decided to bring live rattlesnakes into the theater with them, which they released during the film.

Okay, letting snakes loose could be considered a funny prank for Snakes on a Plane. But only if you did it with non-poisonous snakes. Doing it with fucking rattlesnakes is something only a complete douchebag would do.

posted by Jonathan @ 9:00 PM Tuesday, August 22, 2006  
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Crime rates rising in many U.S. cities due to Bush Administration policies

I live in Tempe, Arizona, and I have noticed that lately there has been a lot more violence in the area. There have been random muggings, where baseball bats have been used to hit people from behind. The 7-11 right outside my apartment complex was robbed twice in the same week. A friend of a friend was held up at gunpoint a couple of blocks from a bar I went to the other night. There is also a lot more graffiti in the area.

This article, while it doesn't mention Arizona specifically, explains how Bush administration policies are making our cities more dangerous. Biggers guns on the streets, and more of them. Funds diverted from crime-prevention to anti-terrorism and the war. Cutbacks on after-school programs.

So much for keeping us safe.

posted by Jonathan @ 11:52 AM Sunday, August 20, 2006  
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In case you haven't seen this, you must.

It's the best Daily Show clip ever.

48 hours to go!!!

posted by Jonathan @ 9:14 PM Wednesday, August 16, 2006  
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We're #1! Go Phoenix!

We're #1! We're #1!

Ah, it's always nice to be recognized by the national media.

posted by Jonathan @ 10:36 PM Monday, August 14, 2006  
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Liquid diet

You're on notice!

So as you know, today British authorities foiled a terror plot that was pretty close to being executed. Apparently, terrorists were going to blow up airliners over the Atlantic using liquid explosives and simple detonators such as cellphones or iPods. Good job by the Brits of not only finding this out, but also infiltrating the cell and monitoring it as long as they possibly could. As a result though, people are banned from carrying any liquid or gel onto a plane.

This is all fine and dandy, but is it really going to stop someone who is really motivated to carry out an attack? The thing is, the possibility of an attack such as this has been known for years, so if they were so concerned about it, they should have banning these things all along. There is no way to achieve 100% security. And even if it was possible, nobody would want to fly with all of the checks they would have to go through. I guess we will be safer, but I hate the fact that I will now have to check a bag whenever I fly. That would have really been a pain in the ass this past weekend if I had been forced to throw away my deodorant, contact lens solutions, shampoo, and soap. I guess it's better than being blown up, but like I said, if someone really wanted to get something on, they would do it.

Besides, we all know the real danger comes from snakes.

Anyway, at least this has provided some comedy today from this guy below, who had an awesome solution to not being allowed to bring his bottle of champagne on the plane.

Fight the power, champagne man!

posted by Jonathan @ 8:19 PM Thursday, August 10, 2006  
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Bars using soccer-type cards to help curb excess drinking

Bars using soccer-type cards to help curb excess drinking

With some people, this might work. Wiseasses like me, on the other hand, would plan on getting red carded at the end of the night just for fun and to get a free drink.

posted by Jonathan @ 11:18 PM Tuesday, August 01, 2006  
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